Heartsong Studio

“Are you painting lots?” friends often ask me. This usually feels like a compliment, and I’m sure that’s how it’s meant. But it clearly wants a “Yes” answer, which really puts me on the spot at times. I feel a bit humiliated, assuming I “should” be painting a lot, no matter what else is going on in my life.

I’ve even committed myself to make art when there was clearly no time for it. In my recent self-imposed schedule I dutifully dug in and started painting amid loads of other obligations I had at the same time. But I made myself paint every single day for an entire month, right through fever and a 3 week bout of flu.

No fun. . . no kidding. There was no time left to simply enjoy life. It took several days after it was done to even see my work clearly. Though my true self did show through in the work, I had let the process take over and abuse me. This wounded my inner sense of what was right. I had been untrue to myself.

Does this mean I should give up painting? This is what I felt like doing, believe me. Well instead, I learned something about self healing. Taking on a load of projects, and going at them with a vengeance turned my purpose into a self-defeating struggle from the start. I couldn’t hope to win.

Of course, the result was a sort of crash, of which the flu may have been a part. I know; flu is caused by a virus. But there are thousands of viruses in and around our bodies all the time. We succumb when our immune systems get low, for example, through stress.

Once this pattern is recognized, then the choice is yours to heed the warning, or not.

For awhile afterwards, I rebelled by not making any art. See, I’m still “shoulding” myself by calling it rebellion. Hm-m. CORRECTION — I took a break to acknowledge my overwhelm, because it was clearly what I needed. We have to be able to say “No” before our “Yes” has any real strength.

Art-making is supposed to be a pleasure.

For many of us, keeping to a tight schedule is often antithetical to the creative process. If you try to schedule pleasure tightly, it not only doesn’t work, it backfires. There is no requirement, no necessity, no “should” about painting from obligation. The world will not end if you don’t adhere to a strict schedule. Mostly it won’t even notice. Sigh.

Right now I have just finished painting a couple of 5-foot signs for my choir’s concert. This took me into my studio every day. It feels good to be back in my old creative surroundings, even to do routine graphic work. (I was a professional graphic artist a lifetime ago). These signs have taken me longer to make than all 3 concerts will take to perform, because of the snowflakes.

Making dozens of paper snowflakes to decoupage on the signs was the best part. At first I made 8-pointed snowflakes, until my engineer partner reminded me they usually have 6 points. I didn’t pay very close attention to his demo — my little child came out full force “doing it myself” — but Google reminded me how.

I cannot believe I’m writing about paper snowflakes on my web log.

Getting in touch with my child again has been helpful for me, and happened to just fit this obligation. I hope you caught a whiff of my enthusiasm there for a minute. It might not hurt you to play at something once in awhile too.

“Something we were withholding made us weak until we found it was ourselves,” said Robert Frost. “It takes courage for an adult to play. We don’t need to pretend anything, but playing is sometimes a natural way of learning.”

Now I’ve said “No” a few times, and let my child play, I’ll see if I’m ready to start drawing and painting again. When I’m good and ready to say “Yes”, it will be from strength and for pure pleasure.

But, it cannot end there.

After any transition in life, there’s a time for mourning, or reorienting. You need time to get used to the changed world perhaps, but also to get to know yourself now, as you come out the other end of the process. Don’t try to rush this stage either, or you’ll just have to go back and do it later.

Depending on your history of being unable to stand up for your inner knowledge without apology or explanation, memories of your past won’t be forgotten. For awhile you will have to make an effort, but the stronger you become, the smoother it will be to do the right thing for yourself.